You know, that last week of classes when I get exceptionally creative at wasting my time. Last year I signed up for Imeem and pimped out my profile. This year, I find myself in Pac Heights (AKA nowhere near my apartment, school, downtown, or my work) in a chocolate cafe (called Bittersweet) reading every single one of my lj entries from the archives (because Lord knows there aren't that many).

In going through my archive I relived my last three years because I make most of my entries when I go through some sort of milestone in life. I reread those cryptic messages that only I can understand which most often has to do with something promiscuous that I've done or thought of doing. Goodness, some of those entries were annoying. Thanks to anyone who has actually read some of them. Especially ones from Freshman year when I felt you had to know every single detail of my life.

Reading through old entries remind me how much I've changed. I'm really not that into cuddling anymore like my username implies. I'm really not. I'm a little more rough around the edges and generous in my profanity. I'm also a huge snob which is really really terrible and kind of funny at the same time.

I have to say though that I really get a kick out of reading about how I've met some of my bffs at USF. It all feels so long ago. Like Moses. Things are different. Everyone is growing up. In a scary but good way, of course.

Touching base with Jaclyn last weekend made me think about times at Moreau. I miss dollar tuesdays and the little ways my high school friends understand me that my college friends don't get. They try, mind you, but it's not the same.

Anyways, I've really enjoyed those interactive posts in my archive when listing things and tagging others were involved. I hope an opportunity pops up like that soon. I'd rather do that than my paper fo sho.

Today or this week even...or actually just recently, I feel like my life is just about "ripping off the band aid" or putting one on (literally speaking seeing as I have no thumbnail as of yesterday...).

Reuniting with someone who I considered as one of the ghosts from my past was surreal. I was brought to reality a lot quicker than the first time. Though I've known before the said reunion that I grew up a lot since we last met, my beliefs were affirmed. *riiiiiiiiip off band aid*

Mikey showed me this website with my horoscope and it basically said "Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places." I realized this was true when most of the conversations that I had with people this past week started with "I miss you." I felt very absent. but the horoscope continued to say "But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach." SO hopefully that makes up for it. I'm not always there, but I'd like to think I'm there when it really counts. Or if I'm not I have a really good reason for not being there. So that was a strange lesson I've learned about myself. *riiiiiip*

I finally emptied the memory card on my camera. hundred of pictures emptied. Pictures from China. From summer parties and karaoke moments and yummy seafood. all of the moments I've captured for the past five months have been emptied so new pictures from new moments can take its place. *rriiiiiiip*

I also finally got evidence earlier this week that I do NOT suck at life. Which gave me a boost of confidence. No more sad songs on my ipod and feeling sorry for my lackluster and failure of an existence because I was reminded that I definitely do have my ass kicking moments. so bye bye blackbird. *rriiiiiip*

So I basically get in this rut when I don't have goals. Usually, I have these goals, and then I feel empowered and I work diligently to achieve. I've always prided myself with the fact that I know what I want and I eventually work my way to getting it. Last year it was all devoted to going to China. The end of this summer was directed towards finding (and getting) my perfect internship. But what happens now? What happens after I get what I want?

I lose my drive. I wake up early to watch tv shows online instead of studying for a midterm. I put things off until the last minute. I hate not wanting something. I guess I live for the chase. So my plan of attack is going to involve a trip for next July after my internship ends. But until it actually materializes, the dream, the want, the possibility of actually achieving something I'm going to watch abc reruns online and twiddle my fingers.

On another note, my grandfather is terminally ill. He doesn't know it because if he finds out, he'll give up. Now, I don't have the fortune to be super close to him and he's lived a long life so I'm slowly beginning to prepare myself emotionally. It's easier to be numb when he's across the country. But what hurts is to see my dad's grief. Hearing the deflation in his voice and his feeble attempt to hide his hurt kills me inside every time we speak on the phone. It's a pain that I can't even begin to comprehend and it leaves me feeling helpless and far away from him. My Grandpa is the epitome of the cliche American Grandpa. He chews tobacco and plays golf and has that sweet old Grandpa smile that lights up his eyes. He's funny but not on purpose and attended a one room schoolhouse. He's familiar and warm and like American Apple Pie or a quilt made by a great great grandmother he belongs in a Norman Rockwell calendar. He is so one sided to me because we were never close but he represents everything in my dad's life that's a mystery to me. A part of my dad I never get to see and soon, never will.

You know you have officially You Tubed too much when you see Julie Andrews rap. that is all.

Hi. I never post in this so surprise!

ok bye.

Last night I dreamt I was a colorful fish swimming in an aquarium. And Dave Chappelle was swimming with me and telling me about his dad. What does this mean?

Yesterday my mom told me she gave the names of the people in my immediate family to a high school friend who was into numerology. Apparently, by our names, she can tell us what we all were in past lives. Both my mom and dad were snakes of different species (I think one was an anaconda...) and in my past life I was a monkey. I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing.

Last week Jen and I were on MUNI and some guy brought out his ukulele and everyone in the bus broke out into singing "You are my sunshine" helluv a movie moment.

Just like the black guy with white dreads dressed in all white who sang on his guitar while singing "stand by me" at the beach. As I was soaking in the sun and the view of Marin and the Golden Gate Bridge in my pale yellow sun dress I saw dreadlock guy doing some tai chi thing with a long ass stick. I concluded he was such a trip as my eyelids grew heavy and I dozed off to dream.

Tsotsi was a ridiculously intense movie. It makes me want to go to South Africa really bad.

Growing up doesn't sound too appealing right now.

Neither do Mondays.

Or Tuesdays.

rapping is not one of my fortes.

I had a dream the other day that I could talk to ghosts.

I liked the cirque du soleil marathon on bravo the other day. It kept me going.

So did free ice cream at coldstone and going to target.

Good things come to people who take their midterms with a novelty Stewie Griffin pen.

Losing wallets suck but going to the DMV with an appointment was the most aggreable experience I've had this week.

Dance is my water and Music is my air.

I'm seeing my dog today.

=)

Hokay. For the record:





I CANNOT READ GUYS FOR THE LIFE OF ME!!!!














Ya. The end.